By using this site, you agree to the Privacy Policy and Terms of Use.
Accept
Health Works CollectiveHealth Works CollectiveHealth Works Collective
  • Health
    • Mental Health
    Health
    Healthcare organizations are operating on slimmer profit margins than ever. One report in August showed that they are even lower than the beginning of the…
    Show More
    Top News
    migraine home remedies and-devices
    The Best Home Remedies for Migraines
    June 5, 2025
    learn to recognize and treat yeast infections
    Most Commonly Asked Questions About Yeast Infections
    November 17, 2021
    Advanced lung cancer diagnosis systems used by doctors
    Advanced Lung Cancer Diagnosis Systems Used by Doctors
    March 6, 2022
    Latest News
    5 Steps to a Promising Career as a Healthcare Administrator
    July 31, 2025
    Why Custom Telemedicine Apps Outperform Off‑the‑Shelf Solutions
    July 20, 2025
    How Probate Planning Shapes the Future of Your Estate and Family Care
    July 17, 2025
    Beyond Nutrition: Everyday Foods That Support Whole-Body Health
    June 15, 2025
  • Policy and Law
    • Global Healthcare
    • Medical Ethics
    Policy and Law
    Get the latest updates about Insurance policies and Laws in the Healthcare industry for different geographical locations.
    Show More
    Top News
    Image
    Boomer Voice
    June 12, 2013
    The Anatomy of Health Insurance [Infographic]
    April 19, 2012
    Patient Commando Features Canadian Women Changing Healthcare
    August 23, 2013
    Latest News
    How IT and Marketing Teams Can Collaborate to Protect Patient Trust
    July 17, 2025
    How Health Choices and Legal Actions Intersect After an Injury
    July 17, 2025
    How communities and healthcare providers can address slip and fall injuries with legal awareness
    July 17, 2025
    Let Your Lawyer Handle the Work Before You Pay Medical Costs
    July 6, 2025
  • Medical Innovations
  • News
  • Wellness
  • Tech
Search
© 2023 HealthWorks Collective. All Rights Reserved.
Reading: Sharing Bad News With Your Children–This Is Not the Dark Ages
Share
Notification Show More
Font ResizerAa
Health Works CollectiveHealth Works Collective
Font ResizerAa
Search
Follow US
  • About
  • Contact
  • Privacy
© 2023 HealthWorks Collective. All Rights Reserved.
Health Works Collective > Specialties > Sharing Bad News With Your Children–This Is Not the Dark Ages
Specialties

Sharing Bad News With Your Children–This Is Not the Dark Ages

Rhona Finkel
Rhona Finkel
Share
7 Min Read
SHARE

Last week I received the following question: “I’m undergoing tests to determine if my cancer has recurred. I won’t have the results for a week or two. Is it best to tell my adult children that I’m worried, or keep the situation from them until I know for sure?”

This topic is a 3-fer for me. It intersects my specialties in family work, parent coaching and cancer counseling.

Last week I received the following question: “I’m undergoing tests to determine if my cancer has recurred. I won’t have the results for a week or two. Is it best to tell my adult children that I’m worried, or keep the situation from them until I know for sure?”

This topic is a 3-fer for me. It intersects my specialties in family work, parent coaching and cancer counseling.

More Read

Computer Vision Syndrome
5 Ways to Prevent Computer Vision Syndrome
3 Top Tips for Caring for Aging Skin
A Personal Moment
X-Ray Dosimeter Improves Radiation Dose Management in Real-Time: Or, How a Little Badge Provides Real-Time Radiation Dose Data
Mesothelioma Awareness Day: How Clinical Trials Make A Difference

Many (maybe most) parents feel they’re protecting their children from unnecessary worry by keeping mum til the test results come in. If the news is bad, you can tell them; if it’s good, no one will be the wiser. Or, you can tell them retrospectively. This saves you pain, as well–a win/win.

But, of course, people wouldn’t need to pay me for advice if the obvious answer was always the best one. You probably already figured I was going to take the opposite side of the argument.

Healthy families are built on sharing and trust, not on secrecy and hiding.  Your adult children want to know what you’re going through. They want to share in your pain as well as your joy—be part of the process, in other words. Sharing your worry with them brings you closer and demonstrates that you feel their thoughts and prayers are important. Assuming good news, they can share in your relief.

My advice goes double if your children live in the house with you.  Overheard fragments of conversation can be more alarming to your children than a clear presentation of the facts. If you haven’t shared the basics with them, they may well get the message that they shouldn’t bring up the topic and thus have no way of clearing up their concerns.  Don’t kid yourself that secrets can be kept indefinitely from any household member.

Children in my practice often tell me of overheard conversations they’re sure their parents aren’t aware that they’re party to. When I suggest the children bring up the topic, they’re afraid, as they have been trained in keeping secrets by the very people whose secret they just uncovered.

The issue of overhearing applies to much younger children as well. What is the age at which a child should be informed of parental crises–say, sickness, job loss, impending divorce, bankruptcy, or public disasters such as school shootings?  The family systems experts provide an excellent rule of thumb: if your children are going to get the information elsewhere–either from overhearing the parents or from an outside source– tell yourself first. (Visit my earlier blog posts on secrecy.)

Why? First, it builds trust. Your child should know that if her parents seem to be fine, they are in fact fine. That their life is not a false illusion of security. Second, you get first-mover advantage. You can tell the story the way you want your kids to hear it, and you can answer questions and become aware of their fears. Instead of being shut out of each others’ lives during hard times, you will become closer and more supportive. You can dispel rumors and mis-information.

If your child is 3, she can hear in simple words that mommy and daddy are worrying about money or that mommy has been feeling sick lately.  Certainly, middle school children should be informed. Tell your story simply, don’t give too many details, and wait for questions. You may be surprised at what your child already knows or at the mis-information that she thinks she knows.

I have a personal as well as professional stake in this topic. A few months into my freshman year away at college, I received a phone call from my mother, which began, “I waited til I could walk to the phone before I called you.” Background: in the dark ages, hospital patients were charged per call that they made from their bedside phone. (Of course, an entire surgical bill wouldn’t amount to an hour in the ER today–dark ages, don’t forget). People didn’t throw around money in those days (one phone call home per week, on Sunday when rates went down), so they hobbled to the pay phone (dark ages).

Mom was telling me that she was now better, although she had chosen not to tell me she was having surgery in the first place. When I indignantly questioned the reasoning behind that hurtful choice, she answered (I bet you’ve already guessed it),” I didn’t want to upset you during finals.” I was plenty upset.

When we finished crying that one through, she agreed not to “protect” me that way again. I should have insisted she go b y the same logic for my younger sister, who, at age 16, was kept from the final awesome secret of our mother’s cancer until the fantasy could be maintained no longer. The dark ages.

Filed under: Candida Abrahamson PhD

TAGGED:family dynamics
Share This Article
Facebook Copy Link Print
Share

Stay Connected

1.5kFollowersLike
4.5kFollowersFollow
2.8kFollowersPin
136kSubscribersSubscribe

Latest News

5 Steps to a Promising Career as a Healthcare Administrator
5 Steps to a Promising Career as a Healthcare Administrator
Health
July 31, 2025
holistic dental
Holistic Dentist Services Are Natural and Safe
Dental health Specialties
July 28, 2025
botox certification
Help Improve People’s Skin Health Via Botox Certification
Skin Specialties
July 22, 2025
Telemedicine Apps
Why Custom Telemedicine Apps Outperform Off‑the‑Shelf Solutions
Health
July 20, 2025

You Might also Like

Specialties

Can I Become An Egg Donor? Here’s How To Find Out Your Eligibility

January 5, 2019

Harnessing Technology to Make Better Decisions at MGH

April 17, 2012
Heart-Health
BusinessCardiologyFinanceHospital AdministrationSpecialties

Heart and Vascular Services Top Hospital Marketing Priorities for 2014

December 27, 2013

As We Mature (age), Things Change…

August 18, 2011
Subscribe
Subscribe to our newsletter to get our newest articles instantly!
Follow US
© 2008-2025 HealthWorks Collective. All Rights Reserved.
  • About
  • Contact
  • Privacy
Welcome Back!

Sign in to your account

Username or Email Address
Password

Lost your password?